Headline of the Day

I object to the way the Democrats stole this election. This was just a straight-up smash-and-grab job. No creativity or panache whatsoever. Shouldn’t the Hollywood Party be capable of putting something together that’s a little more…I don’t know…believable?

“So here’s the premise. We’re gonna run an Alzheimer’s patient who’s been repeatedly humiliated by scandal in his party’s presidential primaries since 1987, who probably thinks he’s still running against Bush and Dukakis, and who can’t remember what office he’s campaigning for at any given time. And we’re gonna cover his face in a black mask and have him challenge voters to parking lot fistfights.”

“Okay, okay, sounds like a funny gimmick.”

“No, no, it’s a drama. Think King’s Speech meets Forrest Gump. Every time he says something inexplicable, he’ll blame it on a childhood lisp…or the Russians. He’ll campaign exclusively from his basement and only then to remind people to be afraid of a Chinese-made virus that’s somehow the fault of European white imperialism.”

“You’re kidding. That’s it?”

“Oh, and he’ll constantly promise to hike gas prices back over four bucks a gallon at the pump.”

“So he loses in a rout, then?”

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