SEATTLE, WA–Well, this can’t be good: infighting has begun to break out in Seattle’s utopian paradise of free stuff and community gardening and love and peace as CHAZ leaders can’t agree on who gets to hold the conch shell.
One warlord had suggested passing around a conch shell to determine who would be the leader of the group. The other warlords all agreed. This uneasy truce only lasted for about 12 seconds, however, as they began to bicker over who got to hold the conch shell first. One of the warlords was wearing glasses and suggested they attempt to create fire. The other warlords called him a nerd, though, and broke his glasses.
A rumor broke out that there was a monster in the park, though it turned out just to be a crazy homeless guy. “Maybe there is a beast… maybe it’s only us,” said warlord Raz Simone.
The most savage of the vegan warlords put a cabbage head on a spike in a bizarre ritual, warning the other groups that he was not to be messed with. A police officer arrived to rescue everybody just as they were about to murder each other and lectured them on being good boys and girls before loading them into his armored vehicle and taking them away from the strange foreign land.